Life is Precious

How cliche, but so true. Sitting in my back yard tonight, drinking a glass of wine, and watching the soft wind flow through the palm trees.  It was outer-worldly. Is that a word? Warm breeze. Salty air from the beach. Calm. Quiet. Moments like that make me appreciate being alive more than ever.  It's not about my job. Or the car I drive. Or even the vacation I have planned. What a precious gift we've been given. To feel. To breathe. To feel our own hearts beat. The world is so beautiful. How can we hold on to moments like this? I worry that in the hustle and bustle of work tomorrow, that I'll forget...push that feeling aside...pretend that the work that I'm doing is important. Providing for my family. Making some kind of difference. But I know deep inside that that is only partially true. When I become aware of my own existence, my own being, my own insignificance. I know I'm here for another reason. I read a quote by Nelson Mandela this weekend...."May  your choices reflect your hopes. Not your fears." In the warm wind tonight, I felt like I understood that more than ever. I look forward to trying to hold on to that feeling.

The Girl Made of Glass

There once was a girl made of glass. She was crystal clear and people thought she was beautiful.  Everyone could see right through her, which meant it was impossible to have any secrets.  What you see is what you get with the girl of glass.  She felt vulnerable knowing that whenever she got close to someone they would know more about her then she would know about them.  She was strong, but fragile.  So she lived in a fortress to protect herself. She was afraid to go out and have adventures, because she might crack. Or break.  So she kept mostly to herself.

One day she saw a boy made of fire.  He was filled with bright beautiful colors. She couldn’t see through him, so he was mysterious to her. Yet she was intrigued by his heat and beauty. She wanted desperately to get to know him, but was afraid if she got too close, she would melt and lose herself.

The boy made of fire felt misunderstood.  He had great power and was respected.  His flames could light up a room and make him the life of the party. He had so much passion for life, but was afraid he would hurt or destroy anyone he got close to.  So he generally burned quietly and never let anyone get too close.  When the boy made of fire saw the girl made of glass, he was intrigued.  She was so honest and true and would glimmer when the light hit her just right.  But he was terrified of hurting her, so he always kept a bit of distance.

One day the girl made of glass decided to meet the boy made of fire.  She decided it was better to experience his color, heat and passion, and risk melting away, then to stay locked up in her fortress alone.  She moved in closer to the boy, and at first he moved away.  He was so afraid of destroying her.  But she said, “It’s ok.  I’m no longer afraid.  You have so much passion, color, and life to share. Please let me in.”

And he did. He trusted her because he knew she could only be honest and transparent. And she didn’t have any secrets.  As she moved in close, she could feel herself starting to melt.  It burned at first, but she never felt so alive.  And she found, that as she moved, instead of melting away she could change shapes.  She moved, swayed and spun in his flames and could change and mold herself with his help. Together with the boy of fire, they were making something new.  After some time, she stepped out of him as the same girl, but different.  She was made of new shapes that they molded together, and full of life, color and passion.  And the boy made of fire was so happy.  He could finally share his passion with someone else. And he didn’t destroy the girl made of glass.  He helped her grow and change.  And the girl made of glass was happy.  She could finally experience passion and life.  And she knew that as long as they could move, sway and spin together, the girl made of glass and the boy made of fire could be with one another.

So for the rest of their lives, the boy made of fire and girl made of glass moved in and out of each other, and each time they created something beautiful and new. Together.

Inside

The world is full of joy,
but I'm crying inside.

We want to move forward,
but I'm sliding inside.

The house is full of noise,
but I'm silent inside.

The breeze blows through the trees,
but it's quiet inside.

Time is flying by,
but there's stillness inside.

Headlights passing by,
but I'm not moving inside.

Everyone needs me,
but I'm helpless inside.

Trying not to fall,
but I'm slipping inside.

Out Here On My Own

Watching TV tonight and came across some bad Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that I thought was costarring Irene Cara. I was wrong...it was Rae Dawn Chong (sorry Rae).  But it reminded me of one of my favorite movies of all time...."Fame," which came out in 1980. I was 10 years old (actually probably 9), and had my mind set on a career in music and theater. That movie lit me on fire. And Irene Cara's performance of "Out Here On My Own" rocked me to the core. How was it that the 10 year old version of me could know that this song could mean so much to the 44 year old version of me? Somehow, instinctively, I knew that I'd always have the strength I'd need, for whatever comes my way.  I've sung this song on many auditions back in the day, and always got the part. I guess when you feel the lyrics, it comes through.  Just wanted to do a little ode to "Fame" by posting the lyrics, and Ms. Cara's haunting performance, here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4mkRwkQRoQ

Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
Make-believing is hard alone
Out here, on my own

We're always proving
Who we are
Always reaching
For that rising star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears I've never shown
out here on my own

But when I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
Out here
On my own

180

It’s amazing how a single momentary impulse can change the way one looks at everything.  Somebody said that to me not too long ago. What happens if that moment changes the trajectory of you life by 180 degrees?  Do you shoot off into another direction? What if you then take another 180? Does that mean you end up full circle, back at the beginning? Or do you end up even farther from the place you started?  I’m not sure of the answer. But I’m very anxious to find out.

Quiet Hell

The outside's just a shell
But inside's a quiet hell
No one knows the pain I feel
Or how hard it was I fell

One hundred eighty days
The longest of my life
Inside my quiet hell
Not sure how I will survive

This is just a test
What happens if I fail
My heart will never rest
Locked inside a lover's jail

A voluntary break
From the person I can tell
Who would understand it all
Inside my quiet hell

A stranger in this life
Swept away by the swell
Hope I can find my way back
From my own quiet hell

Thankful

Thanksgiving can go fuck itself. Along with the rest of the holidays. That's right. Take your turkey and shove it. Take your Black Friday sales. Your recipes. Your tips for not gaining weight. Your gift guides. Your pumpkin spice vanilla latte birch pine scented candles.

 Oh....that felt good! I don't really feel this way. I actually enjoy the holidays. I just needed a little cathartic bitch relief.

So this is the time of year we're supposed to reflect and be appreciative for what we have. Yes, I'm thankful for my health, my kids, for my job, blah blah blah. That's all a given. So what else am I really thankful for? Here's my top five:

1. Not having to cook this Thanksgiving. We are going out. That means I get to wear my pajamas for almost a full 24 hours before having to get ready to go. All you 40+ year old working moms appreciate what a gift that is.
2. Binge watching. I don't know who came up with the concept, but well done fellow couch potato.
3. Those extra large wine glasses that fit an entire bottle of wine. Finally!
4. Fuzzy socks. My best friend buys me a new pair every year for my bday as a tradition. It's like making love to a kitten with your foot. Meeeoow.
5. Amazon Prime. Hi-tech impulse buying on crack. And you can do it in your pajamas. (See #1)

That's about all the reflection I can handle the day before Turkey Murder Day.  I hope everyone has a happy day filled with whatever you are thankful for!